


This Pain Of Losing You Is Killing Me

by confessorlove



Category: Primeval: New World
Genre: Angst, Character Death, F/M, Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-14
Updated: 2013-03-14
Packaged: 2017-12-05 15:41:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/724981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/confessorlove/pseuds/confessorlove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Losing someone you love is never an easy thing to deal with.  Coping with the pain of losing his wife if especially hard on Evan Cross.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Pain Of Losing You Is Killing Me

**Author's Note:**

> Written for one of my friends who requested Evan mourning Brooke after her death. I hate her for giving me this prompt so I hope it breaks her heart. Takes place roughly six years prior to the events of 1x01.

The doctor’s said he imagined it. It was a coping mechanism to deal with the pain of losing her, but Evan knew better. He knew what he saw and was going to do whatever he could to understand why. Brooke was the light of his life. She was all the good things rolled up into one beautiful person whose laugh was contagious and never failed to make him smile. He loved her like no one else in his life. She was just that special to have captivated his heart enough to pull him away from his work. You’ll work yourself to death. He could still hear her voice saying those words as they echoed in his mind. Little did either of them know that it wasn’t his death that his work would cause, it was hers.

It was his fault that she was gone. He should have drove home a different way or he should have ignored the magnetic discrepancies. There were so many things he should have done so then Brooke would still be alive but she wasn’t. The past couldn’t be changed. Everything was written there as solid and unmoving as a rock. No one believed what had really happened to her. There were times when he knew Ange doubted his sanity but of course she would. It had only been a few days. He couldn’t sleep at all. Every time he closed his eyes he saw her die all over again. There was nothing he could do to stop it so he avoided the nightmarish visions that plagued him each time his eyes closed regardless of if he was sleeping or not.

You were in shock. The mind does strange things to help us cope with tragedy. The therapist’s voice mingled with Brooke’s screams until they were suddenly cut off. It was a repeating loop Evan couldn’t get out of his mind. She was everywhere and he couldn’t get her out of his mind. The sheets still smelled like coconut and wildflowers, the still lingering traces of her shampoo, and he couldn’t bear it. Everything reminded him of her. Brooke’s clothes were still in the closet, her books were still on the shelves, her makeup was in the bathroom, but their home was empty without her. His heart shattered all over again whenever his thoughts drifted to that week they spent on the island for his birthday. They had such a wonderful time and neither of them wanted to leave but they couldn’t live everyday like that. Their home was back here and now even that was gone for him. His house was still there, an empty shell of what it once was, but his home was gone. His home was with Brooke. Whoever said that home is where the heart is didn’t know how right they were. Evan didn’t even realize it until it was too late.

After shock came the numbness that seemed to completely consume his entire body. It lasted for days. Every time his gaze fell upon a picture of her his heart would ache and he would feel that emptiness but there was nothing he could do about it. He felt so cold but perhaps that was part of the grieving process. After all, he hadn’t merely lost Brooke. He lost the future they were planning. They had only recently agreed they were ready to start thinking about a family and yet it was so cruelly ripped away by some unknown phenomenon that even his brilliant mind couldn’t comprehend. Ange offered to make the funeral arrangements for him but that was his job. Brooke might have been Ange’s friend but she was his wife. He was responsible for her and would see that through until the very end. Maybe his cold and detached way of looking at things would help with that. He could make the plans without emotions getting in the way. Maybe it was wrong but it was all he could do to hold himself together.

He felt like he wasn’t really even there in the few days following her death. The numbness and coldness seemed almost like autopilot. Evan almost felt like he was watching himself stand before her casket as the minister spoke. Of course her was there, the plain black suit he wore was crisply maintained and Evan suspected Ange had something to do with that. It didn’t matter though. He was grateful, but he couldn’t find it within himself to voice that. It was still too soon and he was still consumed by personal tragedy. Slowly, almost hesitantly, Evan walked towards Brooke’s casket once the minister finished speaking and he placed one single white lily on her coffin. They were always Brooke’s favorite. She said roses were overrated and they were their wedding flower. Despite how much he didn’t want to taint that memory with one of sadness, it seemed only fitting.

“I love you, Brooke,” Evan whispered as her casket was lowered into the ground. “And I’m sorry.” Above him the sun was bright and warm for a beautiful autumn day, but Evan had never felt so cold. It was as though the color and light had faded from the world leaving only darkness in its wake. His eyes stayed trained on her grave for what seemed like an eternity until he eventually felt a presence beside him. For a fraction of a second he dared wish foolishly that she was standing there beside him once again. The hand that had come to rest lightly between his shoulder blades was familiar, but it wasn’t the familiar touch his heart was aching for.

He was grateful that she said nothing as he stood there letting the events of the past few days begin to sink in. Even before he knew Brooke, Ange had been his rock. If there was anyone who could help him now it was her. “Evan,” she finally murmured after what could have been hours that he merely stood there motionless as the memories of his life with Brooke cascaded over him like waves against the rocky shores. “It’s time to go.”

A soft sigh fell from his lips as he turned to look at her. They were alone in the cemetery by now and briefly Evan wondered how long she had been there with him but thought better of it. The late summer breeze tugged a lock of Ange’s hair across her face and he watched her tuck it back behind her ear before he finally nodded. Brooke wouldn’t have wanted him wasting away at her grave. She would have told him to focus, to find a purpose and work for it. He knew what his purpose was now; it was to figure out what contributed to his wife’s death. What happened? That was the great mystery he needed to solve. It was the thing that would keep him sane without her. Evan nodded just barely as he looked into Ange’s eyes. “I’ll meet you at the car. I’ll just be a minute,” he replied softly. His voice was barely more than a whisper.

Wordlessly Ange nodded and lightly patted his shoulder before turning and walking back to the car. Once she was gone he released a heavy sigh before closing his eyes. “I’m not going to forget you, Bree,” he murmured while gazing down at the headstone where her dates of birth and death were carved into the piece of stone. It made everything seem so final. She was gone but Evan wouldn’t forget. “I love you and I am going to figure out what happened…how it happened.” His eyes fell closed again as he reached up and lightly pinched the bridge of his nose. “Just know that I’m sorry,” Evan whispered before lightly biting his lower lip. He turned away from her grave then despite how empty he felt there. Grief without mourning would be help to no one. First he needed time to heal.

That night, long after the last condolence was given, Evan sat at the desk in Ange’s guest room with Brooke’s photo in one hand. For the first time since her death Evan was finally starting to process. She was gone, she was never coming back. All that was left was a chance to find some answers and maybe, just maybe, he would someday be happy again. It was what Brooke would have wanted but for tonight grief was his constant companion and, for the first time since her day of her death, Evan cried. There was still a long way for him to go but he made the first step. That was the beginning and he would take it one step at a time no matter how long it took to heal. Only time would tell.


End file.
